08/23/06 From Justin To Kelly

From Justin To Kelly (2003), directed by Robert Iscove

watched w/ Leslie (partially); DVD rental (Netflix) @ home; suggested by Jason

I feel dirty. I feel ashamed. I feel dirty and ashamed to have watched this film, admitted to having watched this film, not being able to leave the viewing of this film until its entirety, and finally having to write about my thoughts after having watched said film, digesting it and then regurgitating any information about it back out. I use the word "regurgitate" not only to show my thesaurus skills, but simply because the film made me want to literally vomit. I see what evil games you are up to Jason, putting me into a compromising position by having to watch this film at all...simply to prove something by winning the "Side Bet." But does it all have to come at such a high price, as the sanctity of my Challenge and the level of quality that I have grown accustomed to enjoying as a seasoned film critic? Obviosuly every man has his price, and mine unfortunately had to include this pile of crap as a bargaining chip (or should I say cow chip?). What can I say about this nauseatingly abhorrent and wretched piece of garbage that hasn't already been said about such lovely things as the Black Plague and clubbing baby seals?! It falls under the same category of water cooler conversational talk as both those previous two issues. Only in this film, the plotline and acting skills are reminiscent of the atrocities of the Plague, and we as viewing audience are the baby seals. I don't want to even talk about the plot...suffice it so as a sickeningly bad "Beach Blanket Bingo" romp with two "American Idol" wanna-be stars in the roles of Frankie and Annette. Oh, and MTV never made Spring Break debauchery look this fun and tantalizing! Could their have possibly been a more demoralizing moment in cinema history than when the geniuses who came up with this harebrained idea pitched it to the studio suits, and not only did they not laugh them off the property calling them four-letter-words...but actually approved the debacle to happen, costing many innocent lives to be lost?! Not that anyone physically died in the making of the movie (to my knowledge...save that horrible hovercraft accident), but that everyone's souls died a little. The title of the film should not read "From Justin To Kelly," but rather "From Putrid To Smelly." Save your soul.

1 out of 5 stars