11/24/06 Left Behind

Left Behind (2000), directed by Vic Sarin

watched w/ Leslie, Jenny, Leslie’s Mom; VHS (Leslie’s Mom’s copy) @ Leslie’s Mom’s house (Bethlehem, PA)

In what is perhaps a convergence of three of the saddest events I could ever envision someone mustering up, I bring you this travesty. The ironic thing about this monumental convergence is the simple fact that the existence of this movie and subsequent blog about it are the very signs that the book portends to be the end of civilization as we know it. Simply put…we have the Apocalypse upon us, and only Mikey Seaver can save us. The three signs of this filmmaking apocalypse start with the fact that 80’s sitcom heartthrob Kirk Cameron (of “Growing Pains” infamy) has now become a born-again Christian with a penchant for spreading the word of God through horribly bad cinema and adopting tons of kids. Second, that cinematic penchant plays to all of our worst fears that the world is coming to an end (Armageddon style) and only the righteous will be saved, leaving the wickedly sinful on Earth to destroy each other and burn in Hell (uplifting as that sounds). And third, the embarrassing fact that I was about to sit down and watch this entire movie (which is sadly the first in a series of three riveting catastrophes) and have to live to tell about it. Yes, if that’s not signs of the Apocalypse, than my name is Buck Williams…which is funny, because that’s the name of our hero…Mike Seaver, I mean, Kirk Cameron, I mean Bible Man (no wait, that’s other 80’s sitcom guy Willie Aames (www.bibleman.com/) from “Charles In Charge”), I mean Buck Williams. Buck is a TV journalist who must report, then investigate the rash of recent mysterious disappearances of people off the face of the Earth. When he joins up with airline pilot Rayford Steele (don’t these names sound like porno names?) and his mistress flight attendant Hattie Durham (Cameron’s real life wife)…Buck must reach his trusted friend in scientist Dr. Rosenzweig. What he fails to see is that the trusted doctor may very well be in cahoots with multi-millionaires and the government in order to sell-out and help plan global domination on a corporate level. Super billionaire Nicolae Carpathia (super evil bad guy) is actually a super evil bad guy (wait, did I say that already?), and will stop at nothing to crush the world. Now if weren’t for that mangy mutt Scooby and his team of misfit born-agains lead by shaggy burn-out Buck Williams.You have to believe me that when hearing about this movie, I took it to be a giant hoax…something that was of epic urban legend proportions, and not something that people would ever take seriously and shape their entire careers around, teach classes on, or raise their children on its findings. “Left Behind” brings us to the forefront of religious, social, and moral struggle for the 21st century, all with a keen eye, acerbic wit and pathetic special effects. And the most laughable part of all, is that clean-cut Kirk is so into it…he tries his hardest to make this believable and serious, even going so far as to have an educational disclaimer about his ministry at the end of the piece. No longer the heartthrob, but slimy televangelist Kirk Cameron. Say it ain’t so Alan Thicke.

1 out of 5 stars