08/24/06 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain (1998), directed by Sean McNamara

watched solo; DVD rental (Netflix) @ home; suggested by Jason

Oh, where do I begin with this one?! You know you're in for a treat when the top billing on the movie poster is Jim Varney, Loni Anderson, and Hulk Hogan...and the plot (one that is a continuation of 3 previous installments in a series) revolves around three pint-sized ninja masters that show off their prowess against the forces of evil all around us. Yeah, that sounds like a real winner. It helps too that the pre-pubescent stars of the movie seem as if they are from the bubblegum pop group Hanson, and wouldn't be able to hurt a fly (or catch him in a pair of chopsticks if prompted to by Mr. Miyagi). This is a completely useless piece of "family" film fluff. And speaking of families, can we address the situation we have going on here in the film? Our three lead young lads (affectionately nicknamed Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum) here look absolutely nothing like each other, and furthermore nothing like their horribly-awful acting parents. Finally, the "grandpa" character is played by well-known (and here the only decent acting job, in what was sadly is final role) Chinese-American actor Victor Wong. Now, I'm all for the ethnic diversity of a population, and the inclusion of different cultures in a plot as well as the process of adopting children into a loving family environment. However, if those are going to be key factors in the subject of your storyline, you could at least acknowledge their presence and explain them to your audience. Please don't think that you're pulling a fast one on the "stupid" crowd, simply because they got suckered into watching your crappy film, by never mentioning the connection. Maybe I'm analyzing the film way too much, and not just recognizing the fact that it's a dumb way to keep your kids entertained. I mean c'mon, even the fighting scenes are silly, where we can clearly see the choreographed numbers as not the children actors, but rather short 30-year old stuntmen putting on pony-tailed wigs and baggy clothes to pull off a roundhouse kick to the bad guys' head. It does nothing for believability...not that that was what they were going for. The "plot" has the three heroes joining forces with TV-icon Dave Dragon (the Hulkster) to defeat the terrorist plot of evil Medusa (Anderson) and Lothar (Varney) to take over a local amusement park (Mega Mt.). Will good prevail over evil?! Will anyone perish in a horrible rollercoaster mishap?! Will anyone care?! Personally, I'd rather see the Hulkster and Varney's "Ernest" character wrestle the Hanson boys in a winner-take-all match to the death, and the loser has to watch this asinine picture. Mmmmmm...bop.

1 out of 5 stars