09/19/06 Blackbeard's Ghost

Blackbeard's Ghost (1968), directed by Robert Stevenson

watched w/ Leslie (partially); DVD rental (Blockbuster) @ home

The day has finally arrived, and once again I have procrastinated and then forgotten to plan for anything that would remotely resemble a celebration that is fitting for such an auspicious occasion. Avast ye landlubbers, for today be Talk Like A Pirate Day. 'Tis true bilge rats, for this fine day deserves a swig of the ol' grog and a tune from the ol' hornpipe. If you know not of what I speak, I beg you to please do the research, fall in love with the concept, and begin to practice/recognize/celebrate this wonderful holiday every year until the fateful one where ye walk the plank. I have only come to know of this worldwide-celebrated day in recent years, but since it's such a random day within the year...I forgot to put up any quality pirate-themed film for this date...forcing me and my wench (I say that lovingly dear) to head to our nearest video-rental and borrow a flick from the scurvy dogs. Considering that I have seen quite a few quality pirate-themed films in my time (see either "Pirates Of The Carribbean" jaunt or "Princess Bride") or heard of classics (like Douglas Fairbanks in "The Black Pirate")...you'd think that selecting a suitable swashbuckling adventure would not be too hard. However, there is no specific "pirate" genre section in most video stores (perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places)...the buccaneer selection was limited. I don't know what it is with old Disney's fascination with the pirate attitude ("pirattitude" if you will), but they stuck with it (from early "Peter Pan", "Swiss Family Robinson" and then into the aforementioned "Pirates Of The Caribbean" franchise). This blip on the salty radar should have been all but forgotten over the years, but it somehow remains on local video store rental shelves. By title, this selection seems like it would be just as haunting and funny as any of those other Disney adventures...but shiver me timbers...it sucked. What you have is respected actor Peter Ustinov playing the titular ghost, and comic actor Dean Jones (that guy in all those old Disney live-action films like "That Darn Cat!" and "The Love Bug") playing the only man who can see the phantom. Jones plays a college track coach who relocates to a small island town to rejuvenate the athletics and try to get along as the new guy in town. Problem is, some don't want him there, and he makes no friends early on as he sticks his nose into the crooked business affairs of a gambler trying to turn a historic property into a casino for profit. When he settles into his rustic living arrangements, Jones soon finds the apparition of Blackbeard, who has been cursed to exist as a ghost until things can be set right for his spirit to rest. Guess what goofball gets to help him do that?! Yup...the antics that ensue are not even funny. The acting is flat, and not even the ham-fisted slapstick comedy can save it from its boring doldrums. The ghost is awakened for one last adventure on the high sea (errr, in the back seat of a car)...and you just wish he stayed dead. It's a very painful film to watch...considering it's impossible to force a smile out during it. The only thing that kept me from ripping this thing to shreds was the simple fact that I was honoring a tradition of pirate fare that people all over the world were partaking in that very same moment. I'm sure they would laugh and make fun of the choice of true "pirate" movie here, but c'mon, it's a bunch of grown men & women wearing eye-patches, wooden legs and dirty wench attire. How seriously can they take this movie? Focus not on this horrible pirate film, but rather on the lovable come-on lines that one can lay on unsuspecting lubbers at any given time...I'd like to drop anchor in your lagoon. Well blow me down (naughty).

2 out of 5 stars