09/09/06 Sex Is Comedy

Sex Is Comedy (2002), directed by Catherine Breillat

watched w/ Leslie; VHS (personal copy) @ home

OK, so this movie is listed as a personal copy only because we went video hunting in the past and came across some bargain bin deals on buying some old VHS tapes. This one stood out as something so obviously titillating by the titular title, that either way we would be amused (by either the sex or the comedy, silly!). Well, let me be the first to tell you...nay, warn you, that this film contains neither of the aforementioned and appealing traits. Yes, false advertising at its most heinous...luring us unsuspecting video store fans into a world of lies, deceit, and sexual teasing. Oh those cunning French...who knows, maybe they found it interesting or artistic or sexy or blah...I just threw up a little in my mouth. This movie was so dumb, very boring, and no fun to try and stay awake through when I fully expected to be either laughing or horny halfway through. Alas, we had been duped into watching a crappy dramedy with no way out of the insular world of filmmaking. Yes, the plot revolves around three main characters, and their sexual inadequacies/insecurities. Jeanne plays a director struggling with her two main actors (named in the film only as The Actor and The Actress...I can only believe that their agents told them this would be best for pleading innocent later) to perform an intensely sexual scene, when both in reality cannot stand the sight of each other. Taking place completely on a sound stage during the virtual filming of this actual film, the actors are lead into exercises in futility to try and bring forth a chemistry between them to come across as genuine on screen. Maybe this film was trying to point out this in today's filmmaking, how people are forced into intimate positions with complete strangers simply for our entertainment, complete with sexual/power struggles, gender roles, and mind manipulation. But seriously, if they were going to go that lengths of trouble to prove a point...at least finish the point, or keep us entertained by using your powers to mind manipulate us...something! Anything but dopey French actors moping around trying to be profound, when you're really pretentious with a prosthetic penis on. Say that five times fast.

1 out of 5 stars

09/08/06 Quadrophenia

Quadrophenia (1979), directed by Franc Roddam

watched w/ Leslie (partially); DVD rental (Netflix) @ home

Completely biased and affixed with a childhood mental image of this movie, I hope you understand that this is a truly good movie if nothing but for its deep social commentary and teen-angst bravado. You see...I love The Who as one of the most brilliant rock bands to ever grace a stage and perform arm-flailing guitar licks or pyrotechnic drum explosion displays. Also, my parents had this soundtrack album on vinyl in our household as a child...which lead me to wonder about the 60's British culture and why they eat eels, and furthermore started me on my illustrious vinyl album collection of my own that now includes around 800 records. Anyway, it was these two things that drew me into always wanting to watch this film...even though I had no idea what it would really be about. To clue you in on that, Phil Daniels plays young Jimmy, who runs with the local anti-philistine gang of "Mods." He and his Mod clique hate their dead-end jobs, being misunderstood by their parents, living by the rules, bathing (apparently), and especially their arch-rival teenage-angst enemies the Rockers (who still listen to doo-bop greasy haired "safe" rock ditties, rather than the enlightening grunge of The Who). Through their lives of partying, casual sex, and riding around town on their Vespa scooters (to the Rockers motorcycles...yeah, who's tougher?)...Jimmy feels even more unfulfilled than what with what his clique is trying to escape. He loves and wants to score with Steph, wants to be understood and be meaningful, and idolizes fellow mod face-man Ace Face (eventual rocker Sting in his first movie role). Culminating in the streets amongst a huge youth riot...Jimmy finds what he's looking for, then loses it, then tries to regain everything all at once. It's a deeply moving and underrated musical filmmaking masterpiece, if I do say so myself. A bit disjointed and raw, but that's what is appealing to the storyline and the culture it is representing. Nothing is more classic than the closing scenes of Jimmy's utter frustration taking him literally to the edge...of a marvelously scary cliff as he speeds back and forth on his scooter...contemplating what his next move may be... Not to leave you hanging, but hopefully that will grab you and hook you like this album cover and "Baba O'Riley" always have for me. Teenage wasteland indeed.

5 out of 5 stars

09/07/06 Mad Dog Morgan

Mad Dog Morgan (1976), directed by Philippe Mora

watched solo; DVD (personal copy) @ home

This is what happens when three divergent paths collide in a cloud of Australian Outback smoke. The three vital parts to this catastrophe must include true stories about notorious desperado bushrangers in the 1800's; a DVD release with the notoriously goofy Troma Entertainment industry backing a violent film; and finally allowing the notorious rebel actor Dennis Hopper loose on drugs and Irish accents. Yes, this does try to tell the true tale of expatriate Irishman Morgan who has come to the Australian Outback to seek his fortune and fame. During the country's gold rush of the mid 1800's, Morgan soon finds himself on the wrong side of the law after a moment of highway robbery lands him in jail for over a decade. After years of abuse and torture, Morgan vows revenge on his captors and society that put him in that place...and sets out on the open road wielding a brand of vigilante justice which garners him a heroic following. With the help of his new found buddy in an Aboriginal man named Billy (who is the same Aboriginal actor David Gulpilil from 80's classic "Crocodile Dundee"), the two wreak havoc every which way and send the authorities into a criminal tizzy. Blaming social manners as what drove him to his violent conclusion, Morgan is both seen as a villain and a hero, constantly trying to figure it out for himself. I think it's a completely interesting subject matter to deal with, and set against a beautiful Australian scenery...but c'mon, it's a film made for very very little budget...and with poor acting, no direction, plotholes everywhere, and more violent cuts in the editing than Hopper does as playing Morgan in all his insanity. I can't help but think that the film almost could have been better if say the villains were druglord gangsters that were trying to track the Aussie hero's every move in order to get to his woman...oh wait...isn't that "Crocodile Dundee 2?" Imagine if you will, what could have been had Dennis Hopper's and Paul Hogan's careers diverged from this film and their lead-man roles were reversed?! I just blew your bloomin' mind.

2 out of 5 stars

09/06/06 Cheeky!

Cheeky! (2000), directed by Tinto Brass

watched w/ Leslie; DVD rental (Netflix) @ home

Now comes the difference of sexual hang-ups that we have here in America as compared to a lot of our European counterparts. Here also resides the distinct difference in our crappy filmmaking abilities, when stacked up against the dumb equivalents of those same equals. This cheeky (pun unabashedly intended for innuendo's sake) over-the-top sex romp comes to us via Italian pervert Tinto Brass (yeah, of "Caligula" infamy), by way of Ukrainian sex-symbol Yuliya Mayarchuk...who just so happens to play a flitty damsel who comes to England. Yuliya plays Carla, a flirtatious young woman who has recently left from Venice to London in order to find a place for her and her lover Matteo to live in. Dressed in unbelievably skimpy outfits (and always without underwear), Carla proceeds to seduce her way into finding a flat...but inevitably ends up lying flat...on her back! Yeah, this chick should never be trusted in any kind of monogamous relationship, let alone allowed to walk in public with any of the get-ups she tries to pass as clothing in this here motion picture. Granted, the scenery ain't nothing to complain about...but everything else in this ridiculous movie is. The acting (cheesy, not cheeky), the soundtrack (horrible Euro synth-pop monotony), the creepy old men (Brass, giving himself a fitting cameo role), the plot (uhhh, did there really need to be one?), and even the weak attempts at capturing the essence that better predecessors (like Russ Meyer with his boob fascination) have done before over a sexual fetish. Don't get me wrong, I love a great derriere just like the next guy, but there could have been more focus on it (if that was your sole intention anyway) rather than Carla's inept blunders into racy and steamy situations...that in the long run turn out to be forced and given a techno beat. OK, it's cheap thrills...cool, nudity out the wazoo...and sometimes nude shots of the wazoo...but I can't stand the lead actress or how she manipulates people sexually...or why her idiot boyfriend takes her back because he is turned on more by her infidelity. If you use this film as a litmus test (and I do), then Europeans are dumb when it comes to sex. I know the silliness is all in good fun, but it still comes across as nothing more than a way to get women naked from the casting couch onto the big screen. Why can't producer/director types just stick to the old fashioned way by keeping that stuff strictly on the casting couch, crushing young actresses dreams of stardom with one fell swoop of their omnipotent phallic power?

2 out of 5 stars

09/05/06 The Mirror

The Mirror (1975), directed by Andrei Tarkovsky

watched w/ Leslie; DVD rental (Netflix) @ home

I'll always appreciate an honest attempt at cinema as art, even if the subject matter is completely out there and diluted by the artist's own personal trappings. Plus, if you throw in a foreign twist...you have a tendency to get so lost in the visually impaired trip that you forget what the film is about or why you are watching it (Ingmar Bergman anyone?). Then, when the movie ends...you have time to collect your thoughts, wipe the drool from your mouth, and come back to the real world. Maybe it makes sense to you, maybe you have become much more enlightened. Maybe it was all a cunning ruse to induce a reaction or topical debate on the audience, causing us all to be the puppets in an ever expanding play of human psyche...the final conclusion to an even deeper wormhole of a film than ever imagined by the very director who thought they were being so creative and sassy with their introspective masterpiece. Wait, where the hell am I? How do we get back home from here? We're all mad here! I digress though...as the film tends to do...but in an intriguing way. Tarkovsky mixes flashbacks, stock footage, grainy shots, poetry, and Russian culture and society to have a man explain near his death, what his life meant. As with a mirror (how brilliant), the film acts to reflect the past shown on the present face of things...and pull some meaning from the image. A complex and experimental way of looking at things, but worth a look if nothing more than to comprehend what I'm trying to say here. I think I just confused myself into liking the film.

3 out of 5 stars

09/04/06 Last Goodbye

Last Goodbye (2004), directed by Jacob Gentry

watched solo; DVD rental (North American Video) @ home

Here's why the old adage "you can't judge a book by its cover" remains so true today in our over-packaged consumer world. The video store got me "hook, line and sinker" on this edgy DVD cover scheme...you tricksters! With the MTV-generation severely planted into our subconscious brain, this film showed promise as a visually stunning array somber music, trippy light shows, and bad judgement characters. However, I tried in vain to extract some deeper meaning or even enjoyment our of this chaotic film...I really tried. With Hot-lanta as the backdrop, the tale is one of misguided youth and unfulfilled promise in the face of hard partying and drug addiction. There is a small-time band who has a cult following, and they're on the verge of making it big...but their minor inner-squabbles keep them from reaching their goal. Told in intertwining stories of drug use, fist fights, broken homes, random sexual encounters, tortured artistic souls, and car accidents...it leaves you spinning around after watching it. It tries to cram way too many ideas, and way too many from other films, into one compact tragedy...but with a hip indie soundtrack. It was an interesting first attempt for director Gentry, who shows promise and heart, but eventually falls flat on its face much like the drunk lead singer of the band in question. It looks like the boys sing their own music at least...and one funny segment on the DVD's special features shows some deadpan dialogue between Gentry and his special effects guy in the production room. Movie geek stuff, but funny...just don't expect this film to be "Crash" (which the DVD cover looks an awful lot like).

2 out of 5 stars

09/03/06 Runaway Daughters

Runaway Daughters (1994), directed by Joe Dante

watched w/ Leslie; DVD rental (North American Video) @ home

Playing up to both Leslie & my affections for racy pulp comic style (she has a bedroom wall full of such lurid postcards, and I loved Johnny Depp in "Cry Baby")...we chose a tawdry romp into 1950's nostalgia via 1990's speed with this one. Directed by Joe Dante (of "Gremlins" and "Innerspace" fame in the 80's), this original TV-movie was apparently a remake (or reconfiguring) of an actual 1950's teen angst film of the same name...or so I read. Anyway, what you have here is a good ensemble cast, in an utterly silly teeny-bopper crime-spree. Three teenage girls (Angie the leader; Mary the sheltered; and Laura the goody-two-shoes) have had enough of their straight-laced 50's suburban town, boyfriends that don't own up to responsibilities, and parents that just don't understand. After Mary's boyfriend gets her pregnant and ditches her for a stint in the Army, the girls head out on a cross-country trek to get to him before the recruiter does. Along the way, the runaways (unfortunately not the bad-ass chick band fronted by Joan Jett and Lita Ford...www.therunaways.com) get mistaken for kidnappings, have rebel biker boyfriends (Paul Rudd, in a funny greaser role) search for them, and get mixed up in serial killers' plans. There's even a cameo from the Luridly Legendary Roger Corman (who gave Dante his first start in the 70's). The film is dumb, yes, but appealing in a way that those pulp postcards are on the bedroom wall...plus with a pinch of John Waters thrown in there for giggles. Completely random side note here...if you watch this film, you may recall one of its lead characters Laura as the actress Jenny Lewis (with such boyhood crush roles in lesser known films "The Wizard" w/ Fred Savage and "Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even"). She's one of those actors/actresses who you instantly recognize from somewhere in your pop culture memories, but can't place anything they've done in the last 10-15 years. Well, the reason for this moment here is that she has explored another creative outlet, as the lead singer for subdued indie rock group Rilo Kiley! Yeah, not the Runaways, but they rock...and I had no idea...if you don't believe me, check it out...she sings beautifully.

3 out of 5 stars

09/03/06 You, Me And Dupree

You, Me And Dupree (2006), directed by Anthony & Joe Russo

watched w/ Leslie, Eric, Nick, Mike A., Tom & Shelby; theater (Blue Ridge Cinema, Raleigh, NC)

When trying to pick a frivolous comedy number at the $1 movie theater amongst a large pack of friends...it is best to try and aim for something universally laughable. Granted, your best guess as to what a Hollywood comedy is these days is based solely on bits & pieces of the best parts in television commercials...which draw you into a world of false comic security, where you hope to have a splendid time with the flick...only to be let down horribly by the utter crap that fills the remaining parts of the film. Then again, sometimes you come across one that doesn't try to be too serious in any way, stick to formulaic routines and quirky lead comedic actors...and it still works in a light-hearted affair that pleases everyone involved. Long story short...I found the film funny and enjoyable, albeit with little surprises or intellectual stimulation. Owen Wilson and Matt Dillon work great as comedic actors playing off of each other for emotional support...and Kate Hudson can be talented, but is here nothing but eye candy (in short shorts to boot). Wilson plays Dupree to Dillon's Carl, best buds who are forced into an awkward living arrangement upon Carl's newlywed pad. Dupree is the consummate slacker and dreamer who wears his heart on his sleeve...as best friend Carl is a pent-up passive-agressive pushover to his new wife's father (and boss) Michael Douglas. When Dupree is left with no place to call home, Carl takes him in to sleep on his couch...and that's where things get weird. Moose heads, beer drinking, skateboarding, thong-wearing, fire and sex toys, Lance Armstrong and his one testicle, and moral high road lessons. Oh it runs the gamut. Will Dupree make things right? Will Carl lose his mind and his job? Will someone please keep the thongs off of Owen Wilson and back onto Kate Hudson?! It was a silly jaunt into a dollar movie theater that was enjoyed by all (some for their second time). And it was this support group that I came to the end decision of watching two movies today. You see, we walked into the theater (which was packed with a very long line to get in) a few minutes into the feature...alas, this is a technicality that I could not in good conscience let pass, although some thought that I had not missed anything important. As the moral high road lessons taught me in "Me, You And Dupree," I felt it my obligation to set things right. Thus brought me home, and to my second comedy of the evening...

3 out of 5 stars

09/02/06 Sketches Of Frank Gehry

Sketches Of Frank Gehry (2005), directed by Sydney Pollack

watched w/ Leslie; DVD rental (Netflix) @ home

Being that I come into this heavily influenced by a love for architecture and design, went to college for such a love making models and whipping up sketches into the wee hours of the night, and currently work in the construction/design field in fabrication of buildings...this one was special to me. I always love oberving, studying and commenting on architecture throughout the world...and a good documentary that does the same, and about a fascinating character as Frank O. Gehry will make me happy every time. If you are not familiar with his work by now, as in recent years he has produced what is considered one of the greatest pieces of sculptural architecture ever (the Guggenheim in Bilbao, Spain), I highly recommend that you check it out for yourself. The man is as most architects are...goofy, complicated, tortured soul, talented, introspective and downright odd. What is refreshing in this documentarian take, is that the filmmaker is not only an established one in Pollack, but also fresh to the game as it is his first foray into documentaries...as well as being a close personal friend of the subject. Being a revolutionary thinker in the modern architectural world, Gehry comes across on screen as just your average guy with an incredible work ethic and attention to his craft. The film delves a little bit into his past, his influences, and shows candidly his process of making sculptural buildings from the beginning sketch stages into models of differing materials virtuality and scale, and finally into the real world production on-site in a landscape. However hare-brained some of his architectural schemes may have seemed in the past to his colleagues (whom he wanted to break away from their traditionalized thinking), he is now widely hailed as a genius. Whatever your take on his work, you have to give him credit for flying the flag of uniqueness...I just may sound a bit biased as I do enjoy most of his work. I could sit here for hours pontificating on the merits of style in his work, or architectural theories in general (trying to sound really smart basically)...but this film stays short but sweet to the point. It tries to show a personalized version of a man who is largely seen through only his iconic work, by another man from another craft who happens to be his friend and admirer. As much as I am glad to be out of the academic world...it's these types of films that make me pine for the days of late-night studio creativity with my architectural cohorts.

5 out of 5 stars

09/01/06 Click

Click (2006), directed by Frank Coraci

watched w/ Leslie; theater (Blue Ridge Cinema, Raleigh, NC)

It is well documented that Adam Sandler is box-office gold. It doesn't mean that he is the biggest name in showbiz, or the moust suave & handsome leading man, or even the most talented comedian on the planet. With a team of mostly his close buddies, Sandler seems to belt out hit after hit with every sophomoric comedy effort he puts forth. And don't get me wrong, this kind of comedy is right up my alley. It doesn't always require a lot of thinking, maintains a good level of humor and wit, has the same ol' routines spiced with fresh interjections of new ones. Our title here is yet another example of a solid comedy movie that can be enjoyed my a widespread audience. Sandler plays the lead as workaholic architect Michael, who usually neglects his loving family in pursuit of his career and paying the bills. What he has at home is awesome, but his focus on his job keeps him from appreciating just that. His hot wife Donna (Kate Beckinsale in skimpy short pajama shorts mostly), cute kids, and adoring parents (grandpa played by Sandler comedy vet Henry Winkler...aka The Fonz) all love Michael, but continually remind him of his lack of commitment to life responsibilities. With his frustrations over life, and his broken TV remote...Michael heads one night out to buy a new one. He heads to Bed Bath & Beyond (product placement anyone), travels into the depths of Beyond where he finds Morty (always hilarious Christopher Walken)...an eccentric scientist who works in the back of the warehouse and introduces him to a special product. Hence the premise of our show...a universal remote control that will not only work electronics but allow him a technological control over his entire life. At first freaked out, then turned on by the novelty of it, Michael has a field day playing against the forces of nature. He begins to skip arguments with the wife, be in many places at once, punch out his jerk boss (David Hasselhoff), see his past & future, and eventually regret that he has let his life run on "auto-pilot." And what have we learned from messing with time and universal laws from such comedies as "Back To The Future" or "Bruce Almighty?"...don't do it! Not worth it! You could lose your job, your house, your loved ones, your virginity, your car keys, your entire life in an instant...no fun at all. Well, some while it was happening, but with harsh consequences afterwards. Sandler's talent keeps the film light-hearted and funny, but with enough moral messages to have some substance. What you see is what you get. And if you look close, you can see Sandler compadre Rob Schneider (you can do eeeet!) as Prince Habeeboo.

3 out of 5 stars

08/31/06 Titanic [1997]

Titanic [1997] (2006), directed by Leslie Kurtz

watched w/ Leslie; digital camera film @ home; suggested by Jason

OK, I thought that I would be totally sneaky on this one. By now, our avid Challenge fans should know that Jason had challenged me to a special Side Bet for the entire month of August. If you didn't know, this might now explain the recent choices in absolutely horrid pictures, or aberrant Japenese & European films...all leading up to this one notorious title. Yes, Jason used my own words against me in trying to make me commit an ultimate sin (and watch a movie which I have adamantly refused to ever watch based solely on a personal choice & hatred of an internationally popular film). He thought he would get away with this crime, type up a clever "Saw" inspired game of warfare, offer a tempting prize, and have me right where he wanted me. Knowing his tactics of coy ruse (hey, I haven't been his friend for nearly 15 years for nothing), and him knowing my likely response...I thought I would be clever in witty retort by throwing another curveball. If you look closely at the Side Bet page you will notice the fact that he listed the 13 movies, with descriptions and years for all but the last one..."Titanic (1997)." He's sure he meant the unforgettable modern hit by James Cameron starring Leo & Kate & that God-awful Celine Dion shite song. Since there was no description, I wasn't clear on the film in question...so I researched and found a title "Titanic" of the same year, filmed as an Discovery Channel documentary, and with the subtitle of "Anatomy Of A Disaster." Look it up if you don't believe me. My ruse would have worked...had I been able to procure a copy of it in time for the bet. Alas, after calling every damn listing in the phone book, searching online and in stores...I was left disappointed. I'm sure I could have ordered a long time back...but it was crunch time. With the day dwindling down, my lovely Leslie came to the rescue. With my digital camera in tow, she produced a 1 minute short film entitled "Titanic (1997)" (as per the bet's rules)...involving the best rendition of a tried story I have ever seen. Stick figures, flip-book animation, and a real life ice cube serving as the iceberg. It was brilliant...fit the rules...and I watched full-length films during the day to stay on track. It wasn't my first solution to the problem...but I'm a man of my word, and did not want to buckle in will under pressure. Read it and weep...I'll leave the judging up to interpretation...but I did do as was asked. 'Nuff said.

5 out of 5 stars

08/31/06 Gozu

Gozu (2003), directed by Takashi Miike

watched solo; DVD (borrowed from Jason) @ home; suggested by Jason

So, I'm trying to cram all of the last titles listed on the Side Bet Challenge in today...the usual procrastinator that I am. This one always frightened me just by the description (infamous Japanese auteur Miike's use of extremem violence and perverse sexual taboos) and the bizarre image on the cover of the DVD (the crouched figure of a human in its underwear with an enormous bull head). Don't try to make it make sense...just sink yourself in to the film's freakishly abnormal psyche and leave reasons behind. I'll give Miike all the credit in the world, for not only being a bold director in content...but also harnessing great talent around him, leaving indelible imagery on the screen and being one of the most prolific producers of film of our time. That being said, there's something not quite right about the man...and it shows in his art. I guess all important art needs to be shocking, having society second-guess it's boundaries and sense of taste in the name of unfiltered expression. That's a beautiful thing. Miike's take here is yet another strange trip down violence lane, with the metaphorical manifestation of repressed sexual desires. Here, a young yakuza named Minami plays little brother protege to fellow yakuza Ozaki...whom he greatly admires for saving his life in the past. Ozaki begins to display acts of paranoia (i.e. slamming a chihuahua into a plate-glass window claiming it was a yakuza spy dog), which have the rest of his crew questioning his sanity, and his crime boss wanting his life for bringing such unwanted attention on them. The Chairman taps Minami to dispose of the body of his mentor, which he anguishes with terribly...and ultimately is baffled by the sudden disappearance of said corpse. With his search for a dead man ahead of him, Minami comes across many unusual people (let's just say a landlady who likes to squeeze milk from her breasts and bottle them to sell, a man who has half his face painted, and the aforementioned bull/man figure) and must fight through physical violence and haunted nightmares to find closure. The end result in searching for that closure with his friend, Minami is placed into a disturbingly surreal dream state...where a beautiful woman who claims to be the reincarnated body of his brother begins to spark a sexual attraction. The inner conflict Minami has with falling for a figure who is his heterosexual dream woman, is perplexed by the latent homosexuality that comes forth in his love for Ozaki. This odd love triangle comes to fruition with an utterly insane (and a bit stomach churning) scene where the male body literally climbs out of the female anatomy (think how birthing elephants must feel) to confront Minami. Yeah, you'd have to see it to believe it (and then spend the rest of your life trying to shake the image of having seen it). That's exactly what Miike is perfect at, leaving an indelible image emblazoned on your brain...with the aid of foreboding musical score, and a wicked nightmare-like filming style. I have to admit, while being generally disturbing in content, his films are something that I would like to study more of to appreciate his style.

3 out of 5 stars

08/31/06 Bloody Mallory

Bloody Mallory (2002), directed by Julien Magnat

watched w/ Leslie (partially); DVD rental (Netflix) @ home; suggested by Jason

Knowing that this film was supposed to be full of campy gore, reminiscent of Raimi's "Evil Dead" series, with the punch of sex appeal that a redheaded Lara Croft meets "Run Lola Run" supernatural babe can provide...I knew that this was going to be wacky. Our blazing lead mercenary babe is Mallory, who is haunted by her past marriage to a demon that has sucked her into a present life of ridding the world of evil spirits and ghouls. Mallory enlists the help of a stellar oddball cast of commandos to help her in the quest to off all damnable forces...which includes a trenchcoat wearing special agent, a mute telepathic pig-tailed little girl, and a glam-o-rama drag queen with stiletto heels. With their own brand of wits, gadgetry and fearless fighting skills...the rag-tag team of vigilantes starts the story by saving a group of nuns that have been captured by a group of bloodthirsty ghouls bent on wreaking havoc in a church. Upon dispensing supernatural justice, Mallory and her cohorts find that one cloaked figure in the attack may also be responsible for a much bigger heretical plot to kidnap the Pope. Yes, that's right...I'm almost certain that this film was never endorsed by the Vatican in any respect, even though the Pope seems to dig break-dancing...I guess they frown on gory demon-killing. Anyway, Mallory's gang must join forces with a burgeoning priest that is assigned to guard the Pope and keep him away from evil forces. When the Pope mysteriously disappears, all heck breaks loose as Mallory must find the secret passage to a hellish underworld to rescue him. What's funny is that is not only does the Pope turn out to be a not-so-nice dude (he is opposed to any help from such blasphemers as cross-dressing drag queens), but he may even be responsible for a lot of his own evil doings! Zoinks! What's great about this film is all its cliche campy features, from the gruesome characters and horrible English dubbing over the French...with all of the action very much in the vein of smaller screen hits like "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" or "Charmed." However, in the long run, that's exactly where I think this type of film would work best, unlike an "Evil Dead" series...it just didn't have enough pull to make it more than an average fright night comedy. Maybe if the evil Pope break-danced.

3 out of 5 stars

08/30/06 Female Yakuza Tale: Inquisition And Torture

Female Yakuza Tale: Inquisition And Torture (1973), directed by Teruo Ishii

watched w/ Leslie (partially); DVD (borrowed from Jason); suggested by Jason

I find it hard to fully get behind this exploitation flick, due to its approach to the violence and abuse involved. Yes, that is one of the fundamental thematic elements of any good exploitation film...but something about this certain style gave me the creeps. It's obvious that a lot of the swordplay, funky musical score, and deadly naked vixens have all been used influentially in modern day visuals and gore-fests. However, I felt like I was watching some drug-induced coma sexual deviancy like Larry Clark's "Kids" or any Todd Solondz movie. The movie centers on the sword-wielding diva Ocho (70's Japanese sukeban exploitation star Reiko Ike) who is mistakenly captured by a group of evil yakuzas...which she will begin to infiltrate as a means of redemption. As she proceeds with her renegade justice, Ocho discovers the seedy underworld of the yakuza clan...a drug trafficking cartel who use strung-out women as the drug "mules" to transport their goods. The main catch is that the women have to transport it in a very uncomfortable and dangerous place...their lotus flowers (if you catch my drift). There are many scenes of drugged up women being both verbally and sexually abused by the slimy men, as everything seems to be a game for them, treating the women as subhuman. Ocho will not stand for this cruelty, and begins a murderous rampage to right the wrongdoings she sees. Payback is a you know what...and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...and so on and so on. With all its gratuitous violence and sadomasochism, there were two gloriously brilliant scenes in the entire film...and if you've seen it, you can probably guess where I'm going with this. Yes, in dramatic James Bond-esque fashion, the opening scene has our hero prancing around topless with a katana blade, slicing up the bad guys in a whirlwind of kimonos and blood. And even more enticing is the final battle scene where an entire group of completely naked female yakuzas tear through the bad guys with reckless abandon (and did I mention no clothing?!), spattering blood over their supple young bodies...is that so wrong? Hell, it's your classic exploitative film, delivering the goods in violence and nudity...but that's it. It should have been called "Female Yakuza Tail," and it could have earned another star.

2 out of 5 stars

08/29/06 Gigli

Gigli (2003), directed by Martin Brest

watched solo; DVD rental (Netflix) @ home; suggested by Jason

Widely panned as one of the worst movies to ever come across the big screen...I gotta say, I don't completely disagree with that sentiment. However, I have seen a lot worse in my time (hell, in this year alone for starters). Let's get through all the negatives right off the bat. Ben Affleck as a gangster with a thick New York accent? Yeah right, next thing you'll tell me is that he can co-write an Academy Award winning screenplay starring Robin Williams in a serious role! J-Lo as a lesbian gangster contorting herself in compromising yoga positions while waxing poetic on the female anatomy to Affleck? Yeah, and her butt is insured for millions too! Supporting actor Justin Bartha playing the mentally handicapped kidnap victim, or other supporting roles being wasted on such a film as the resplendent Al Pacino and Christopher Walken?! OK, well Pacino and Walken can really never do wrong...everyone has to pay the bills and feed their families, right? Anyway, all the character elements are here for a downright debacle in the making...and with little effort in the script, shooting style or acting, who's to say it wasn't just that? I think this thing was nominated for every Razzie Award in its year. Let's listen to the bad idea plot, which meant to teach us some moral lessons, but went about it in all the wrong ways. Lowly, inept gangster thug Gigli or Jiggly if you're nasty (Affleck) is assigned to kidnap the mentally challenged little brother Brian (Bartha) of a big-wig federal prosecutor in order to keep his mob boss from standing trial. Since he's always a screw-up in these kind of situations, Gigli's job is soon compromised by the arrival of fellow gangster hitwoman Ricki (J-Lo) who is brought in to help him not foul up the job. Of course, they hit it off like cats & dogs, having Gigli assert his chauvinist machismo over the tough-as-nails female power Ricki. Yes, it is true that at one point in the story (and a few times after that), Gigli refers to himself as the bull, and likens her to the cow. Yeah, real ladies' man here. They bicker, they grow on each other, they break down each other's tough shells to fall in hopelessly in love. Oh yeah, but there's still misinformed attempts to address social issues in the plot...say making fun of the mentally challenged, suicide attempts by scorned lesbian lovers, gratuitous violence by gangsters, sexual discrimination, and artistic censorship (that last one I threw in with the hope that some censorship would have been flexed on keeping this movie from happening). Whiy all this deep philosophizing by two less-than-talented actors, when all Brian wants to do is see the "Baywatch?" There are way too many corny and sappy moments thrown into this film, where it serves as nothing but a showcase to the now defunct Bennifer (Round 1) high-profile relationship...boring banter between the two stars. Hopefully in the end Gigli (gosh, what an awful name anyway...no one can pronounce it right!) will do the right thing and take Brian to the "Baywatch." Yeah, this movie is dumb, but even still...it's no "From Justin To Kelly"...and that ain't saying much.

2 out of 5 stars

08/28/06 The Last Pistolero

The Last Pistolero (2002), directed by Alessandro Dominici

watched solo; DVD (borrowed from Jason) @ home; suggested by Jason

I haven't watched too many short films this year, so I thought it fitting to throw this one in the mix after having just watched the accompanying "Django" spaghetti western classic. I won't spend too much time on this one, not that it isn't worthy of more, but just that it was a very short film indeed. Shot in black & white, the Django star Franco Nero returns in a silent protagonist role as a weathered older pistolero. Unsure of what his intentions are at first, we notice how he steps meaningfully into an abandoned building/streetscape, as if to imply a violent gunfight showdown. He takes his time, very meticulous in preparation for his big moment...setting a rickety sign right, eyeing his surroundings carefully. Then, without warning, the sureshot fires a bullet into the open (you would think at his opponent). The bullet screams about, ricocheting off of every piece in the set, finally deflecting off an object into the straight-shooter's chest. Yes, a quick and premeditated suicide of Rube Goldberg proportions. The story is short and sweet, displaying a sublime violence in an almost comical manner. A much more polished, but equally effective gunslinging choice as its DVD counterpart "Django."

5 out of 5 stars

08/28/06 Django

Django (1966), directed by Sergio Corbucci

watched solo; DVD (borrowed from Jason) @ home & Leslie's office (Raleigh, NC); suggested by Jason

When a film becomes so universally influential, generally from a low-budget origin that is purely of heart and determination, it is awesome to see the ultimate cool swagger that such a film can pull off without even knowing it is. Such is the legacy of the exemplary Italian spaghetti western classic "Django." Franco Nero plays the titular renegade who wanders into a western town dragging a coffin behind him (that is so cool by the way)...and mixes it up with the local conflicts between Mexican bandits and Confederate vigilantes. This mysterious stranger rescues a woman, Maria, from the torture of both warring clans...and then uses his smarts to play both sides against each other in order to make a big score of his own. When the you know what is about to hit the fan, Django reaches down into the coffin he's been dragging around to reveal the gatling gun inside (you know it's where Rodriguez got the idea for "El Mariachi" and "Desperado"). Forced to let his weapons do the talking, Django shows how much of a stoic bad ass anti-hero he is, trying boldly to get the money and rescue the girl that he will never be able to love. What is remarkably poetic here is the level of brutality that is on display, showing just what lengths Django is willing to go to for what he believes in. It's said that Tarantino's infamous "ear-cutting scene" in "Reservoir Dogs" originates from the similar scene in this film. Also, the climactic conclusion to the film shows a violent escape planned by Django be foiled by his love Maria being shot and his own hands being crushed in retribution by some of the bandits. This all leads to the heroic finale where an embittered Django stands his ground in a lonely graveyard, with shattered hands gripping a pistol, and takes down the last pack of bad guys in his wake. The stirring musical score, including the ringing "Django" theme song, keeps the bloody and introspective beat going as well. Overall this is such a cool, cocky, and landmark film...that it is hard to overlook in due recognition. So many of today's shoot-em-up westerns and gangster flicks owe credit to this revolutionary and simple genre pioneer. And please, don't touch his coffin.

5 out of 5 stars

08/27/06 Santo En La Venganza De La Momia

Santo En La Venganza De La Momia (1971), directed by Rene Cardona

watched solo; DVD (borrowed from Jason) @ home; suggested by Jason; suggested by Jason

The novelty of watching some of these cult movies has worn off for me, even though I shouldn't be taking them too seriously. Don't get me wrong, I love the colorful history of the Mexican wrestling genre known as Lucha libre and the many many wonderful characters and pop culture references it has spun off since the 1930's. Furthermore, I think it's incredible that such a beloved national icon as the titular El Santo would dominate the sports' landscape with his popular personality and silver mask for well over 50 years and around 60 films of heroic efforts. All of that from a famous masked marvel luchador and his brilliantly kitsch wrestling garb...I dig all of that. It's a certain niche of cult coolness that permeates the international fabric, where someday perhaps all little children will want to wear colorfully scary masks and wrestle cougars with their bare hands. That being said, the film is utter cheese-whiz, and deserves nothing better than to be enjoyed with a laugh and patience. Sure, it's fun to watch the wrestler start the film with about a ten minute tag-team bout, where the good guys prevail after battering their opponents silly...then without real explanation, it's funny to see our hero Santo join a crew of archeologists on a jungle journey to find the lost ancient ruins of the Opalche Indians. Yes, how did that segue work again...nevermind. When they arrive in camp, the locals warn the team of messing with the sacred tomb of the mummified Opalche warrior Nonoc, lest they bring the cursed wrath upon themselves. Do they listen, no. Does murderous mayhem ensue, you betcha. Will Santo do all that he can to save the team even as they drop off one by one by mysterious and ghostly circumstances, sure. Will it all end in a goofy "Scooby Doo" twist ending amidst super-silly fight numbers between a luchador and an ancient mummy...hell yeah! It's ridiculous, and just dying to be made fun of. The mummy spoof is not even carried out as well as it should have been (see the modern day "Bubba Ho-Tep" for pointers)...leaving the low-budget flick squandering in possibilities. Granted, this is one in a ton of Santo flicks I could have seen, so hopefully there is better ones out there. Also, I would like to point out another great cult movie that is completely out there, directed by this film's director Cardona, and holds a special yule-time place in my heart...1959's "Santa Claus." This film knows how to lay on the outlandishness pretty thick, as Santa must join forces with Merlin and all his high-tech surveillance gadgetry to foil the evil plot of the Devil's right-hand minion Pitch to ruin Christmas. Now there's a story worth watching! The mummy is blah, but long live Santo!

2 out of 5 stars

08/26/06 Crazy Love

Crazy Love (1987), directed by Dominique Deruddere

watched solo; DVD (borrowed from Jason) @ home; suggested by Jason; suggested by Jason

This film provided me with two relatively unknown variables in previous cinematic expertise...that of how well a Charles Bukowski novel was to translate to film (the only other one I've seen was however awesome, "Barfly"), and Belgian filmmaking. That's correct, this is a loose Belgian interpretation on one of the many sordid tales of Bukowski's anguished mind. I don't know how to fully explain the oddities and disturbing elements that unfold here, but suffice it to say that it is a unique telling of a coming-of-age story...partially biographical to Bukowski's early formative years, but completely metaphorical in its twisted conclusion. The story consists of three tumultuous nights in the life of awkward outsider Harry, who wants nothing more than to experience love. At an early age, Harry learns what he thinks is love through romantic movies of knights in shining armor saving the princess. This exploration for love is put into a adolescent context by his hormonal changes and the bad advice in sexual awakening by his best friend (who takes him to watch couples get it on, and teaches him about masturbation). All of the advice can't help him muster up the courage to ask a cute girl for a kiss, which will end up haunting his romantic searches in the future. The second night is a high school prom night, where Harry has grown up with a terrible acne problem that disfigures his face so others taunt him. The girl of his dreams won't even look at him, so he must devise a way to dance with her. With his best friend still beside him, he tries in vain to lose his virginity...only leading to disappointment and drunken stupors of regret. The final third night has both men all grown up, as down-and-out slackers with criminal pasts that happen upon each other in a bar. Their friendship rekindled, they take the pranks that they did as children to the ultimate shocking end...kidnapping a corpse for fun. Yeah, it's weird. Harry's lifetime search for love is realized in that morbid moment when he discovers the corpse to be a beautiful woman of his dreams...and he wants nothing more than to rescue that princess. The ending climax is bizarre and bewildering, and the entire journey to it in three momentous nights is very poignant. If it weren't for all of the sick expounding on a tragic love theme...it might have been even better. Seeing the documentary afterward describing the aesthetic the Belgian filmmakers were going for was interesting, and it included Bukowski himself. The acting was very good, and to be honest, the Belgian language is a mix of Dutch, French and a pinch of German (since Belgium is wedged between all of these countries, it makes sense)...but it all plays out with a lot in common to the English language. Maybe it was just me, but with the great body language and similar sounding speech, it was easy to get what was going on. It's just when those things going on meant necrophilia that it freaked me out. I don't know if that's a Bukowski or a Belgian thing, but it's wrong. Crazy and wrong. Now, one final thing to mention on this craziest of blog entries...I wanted to acknowledge my best friend Jason, for today is his birthday. He is the one who basically challenged me to this year-long quest, has helped put this page together...and well, been there through all of life's craziness. Thanks bro.

3 out of 5 stars

08/25/06 For Y'ur Height Only

For Y'ur Height Only (1979), directed by Eddie Nicart

watched w/ Leslie (partially); DVD (borrowed from Jason) @ home; suggested by Jasonsuggested by Jason

Stepping right off the small-screen (no pun truly intended, but it still fits) of anything that MST3K would pump out for our laughing enjoyment. This is so horribly bad, that it makes it kind of funny and enjoyable to watch. What we have here is from the Philippines, and stars the diminutive (2'9", and supposedly the shortest man to ever have a leading role in a major motion picture) Weng Weng as Agent 00. Knowing the movie's star quality and noting that the film is terribly dubbed in English over the Filipino actors...how can you go wrong?! This is obviously nothing but a spoof on the novelty of the James Bond-style movies, and it makes no bones about completely biting on their style (probably breaking some copyright infringement laws in the process)...all the way down to the clever (and shoddily made prop) gadgets like X-Ray specs and the familiar theme song. All the elements of a B-movie are in place, with the silly acting, out-of-place dubbing (why Filipino gangsters talk like James Cagney or Edward G. Robinson is beyond me), tacky costumes, sloppy editing of shots, and no real evidence of a script with a plot. With the antics on display here, you can't help but laugh (and then scratch your head wondering why people waste money on making films like this). You really just have to see this movie to believe it...or appreciate the campy quality of it. The main attraction is just having Agent 00 on board, letting him jump around and karate kick people in the face (errr...shins, whatever he can reach) and then end up in bed with some hotties. Part Shaft, part Mini-Me...all corny. He hardly has to talk in the film...always seemingly like he wants to say something, but is too shy. Let's get to know the real Weng Weng, and talk about his feelings. He's obviously hiding something under that gruff exterior and Monkees' haircut. Take time out from all of your saving the planet against the evil Mr. Giant and let us in Agent 00. Let us in.

3 out of 5 stars

08/24/06 Withnail & I

Withnail & I (1987), directed by Bruce Robinson

watched solo; DVD rental (Netflix) @ home

I needed to get my head clear after watching two God-awful movies in a row, just for the sake of hedging a bet. This is a film that I've heard a big underground rumble about for a few years, and have always been enamored at giving it a try. What did I have to lose after the past few days?! I fell in love with this cleverly depressed and disillusioned British cult classic almost immediately. I say "almost" immediately, simply because it took me a few minutes (and sometimes with subtitles turned on) to understand what was being said by these Cockney blokes. This dark comedy is brilliant in every facet. Two life-long friends, Withnail & I (actually Marwood, but never referred to as such) are out-of-work actors scrapping to get by in a shanty of an apartment in the free & filthy 60's. Soaking most of their ambitions up in alcohol, and smoking the rest away in philosophical b.s., the two decide to take an idyllic holiday to the country to get away from it all. This leads to an odd adventure into the bounds of sanity and friendship. Withnail's famous line is that they've "gone on holiday by mistake," as the two soon realize that they know nothing about roughing it in his uncle's country cottage. The two must contend with miserably rainy conditions, foraging for food, meeting the grumpy farmer's wife, stirred up bulls, intellectual drug dealers, proper townsfolk that don't take kindly to their drunken antics, and what they believe to be a ghostly visitor. Their stay turns even more upside down when Withnail's gay uncle Monty pays a surprise visit to the men, then spouts on about flowers & poetry...and finally takes an uncomfortably amorous liking to Marwood, forcing a compromising position. The pair's friendship is mightily tested, as both have the adventure become a turning point in their lives...with their return to city life and reality showing how each man differs in his approach to life. It's an unflinching look at twenty-something life crises, with tons of wickedly clever dialogue (there are an endless stream of classic quotes) that came largely from an autobiographical perspective by then new director Robinson (who went on to deliver "How To Get Ahead In Advertising" and is now developing Hunter S. Thompson's novel "The Rum Diary"). The Criterion Collection DVD also included a great documentary many years later about the huge cult following that this film was about to produce. Sit back, enjoy the film, and "find your neutral space."

5 out of 5 stars

08/24/06 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain (1998), directed by Sean McNamara

watched solo; DVD rental (Netflix) @ home; suggested by Jason

Oh, where do I begin with this one?! You know you're in for a treat when the top billing on the movie poster is Jim Varney, Loni Anderson, and Hulk Hogan...and the plot (one that is a continuation of 3 previous installments in a series) revolves around three pint-sized ninja masters that show off their prowess against the forces of evil all around us. Yeah, that sounds like a real winner. It helps too that the pre-pubescent stars of the movie seem as if they are from the bubblegum pop group Hanson, and wouldn't be able to hurt a fly (or catch him in a pair of chopsticks if prompted to by Mr. Miyagi). This is a completely useless piece of "family" film fluff. And speaking of families, can we address the situation we have going on here in the film? Our three lead young lads (affectionately nicknamed Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum) here look absolutely nothing like each other, and furthermore nothing like their horribly-awful acting parents. Finally, the "grandpa" character is played by well-known (and here the only decent acting job, in what was sadly is final role) Chinese-American actor Victor Wong. Now, I'm all for the ethnic diversity of a population, and the inclusion of different cultures in a plot as well as the process of adopting children into a loving family environment. However, if those are going to be key factors in the subject of your storyline, you could at least acknowledge their presence and explain them to your audience. Please don't think that you're pulling a fast one on the "stupid" crowd, simply because they got suckered into watching your crappy film, by never mentioning the connection. Maybe I'm analyzing the film way too much, and not just recognizing the fact that it's a dumb way to keep your kids entertained. I mean c'mon, even the fighting scenes are silly, where we can clearly see the choreographed numbers as not the children actors, but rather short 30-year old stuntmen putting on pony-tailed wigs and baggy clothes to pull off a roundhouse kick to the bad guys' head. It does nothing for believability...not that that was what they were going for. The "plot" has the three heroes joining forces with TV-icon Dave Dragon (the Hulkster) to defeat the terrorist plot of evil Medusa (Anderson) and Lothar (Varney) to take over a local amusement park (Mega Mt.). Will good prevail over evil?! Will anyone perish in a horrible rollercoaster mishap?! Will anyone care?! Personally, I'd rather see the Hulkster and Varney's "Ernest" character wrestle the Hanson boys in a winner-take-all match to the death, and the loser has to watch this asinine picture. Mmmmmm...bop.

1 out of 5 stars